Joined: 21 Aug 2004
Location: Hotel California
|Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:36 am Post subject: Workshop Tools
|The essential Guide....
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and convertible tops or tonneau covers or leather motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in wings just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
CRESCENT WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it over the freshly painted part drying in the corner.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake callipers, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front valance.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters - most often operated by females.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also used for transferring grease from hands to face.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps, starter motor solenoid cables, and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: As with hacksaw, but with the added advantage of curling panel steel.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs. More often dark than light, the second part of its name is somewhat misleading.
OIL FILTER WRENCH: A tool used to polish a 1/2in wide ring of paint around a `spin-on' type oil filter.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Used to remove `spin-on' oil filters while splashing oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: An Italian machine that takes energy produced in a coal powered power station 300 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Taiwanese Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Dagenham, Essex, and rounds them off.
CROW BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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98% of all Harleys ever sold are still on the road. The other 2% made it home